When I was learning about how to better talk to people, I came across an old memory still fresh on my mind.
The revelation was about disassociating my emotional response from the actions of others. It’s a stoic lesson offered via Nonviolent Communications.
The old memory is about a time when you left the restaurant at lougheed without specifying if/when you will return. I was left with the other girl in the restaurant beside the karaoke place for about 45 minutes. At that time, I did not know how to spend that time meaningfully, so it was an unpleasant experience for both of us. I called you a dozen times, hoping to get a grasp of the situation.
When I was left wondering where you went, or why, I was met with anger whose magnitude was beyond what I thought capable. I then led myself into attibuting malice and ill intent to you, leaving no room to believe anything else. Later that night, I got so upset that I had to be driven home by Kevin, where I was consoled.
In looking back, I was ignorant to your needs and values, instead putting my righteousness above what you were feeling. I was quick to judge your character and it led me to believe that I could not help you, and that you would not respect my requests.
Instead of directing my anger to violent thoughts that ultimately lead to total silence, I should have dug deeper into what I really needed. At that time, I needed to understand why I was left alone, and a way to get back home at a reasonable time. I should have clearly stated those needs, and to understand yours, as well. That evening, I only guessed what you wanted, without communicating directly.
I don’t know if these words are helping you find peace, but it’s certainly helping me find mine. You were my best friend for the entirety of my teens, and I never came to terms of how it all ended so suddenly. Simply by reading this message, you are helping me feel understood.
After the end of our friendship, I was given terrible advice by well intentioned people. It was useful for getting on with my life at the time, but my identity as your friend vanished, and I was never made whole. Now that I’ve matured as a person, I thought to reconcile with you.
In case you are curious, I moved to California for work as a software person, and married with a 2-year-old daughter and a son on the way. I am still eccentric by choice when it’s appropriate, and hoping that my children will not make the same mistakes as I did.
Thank you for understanding. I don’t expect a lengthy reply; I only request an acknowledgement.